Image Credit: M. Rothenburger

By Mel Rothenburger

Armchair Mayor

ROTHENBURGER: Dr. Holly Jolly throws a wrench in Frootloops Council’s party plans

Dec 24, 2021 | 5:58 AM

FROOTLOOPS COUNCIL is gathering online to discuss their annual Christmas Day party. Mayor Ken Kringle calls the meeting to order.

KRINGLE: I call the meeting to order on this 24^th day of December, 2021. Coun. Tinsel doesn’t appear to have his computer on so we’ll just wait a minute or two.

COUN. ARJUN TINSEL: I’m here, Your Worldliness, I hit a snow windrow with my e-bike on my way home. It was pretty ugly but actually awesome at the same time.

KRINGLE: Thank-you, Councillor. I’d hoped we could have our meeting at St. Andrew’s on the Loops but the Decrepit Buildings Society has packed it in on managing the place and we haven’t figured out how to turn the lights on yet. This is the second year in a row we’ve had to Zoom our pre-Christmas meeting but if we all work together we can get through it. Just remember, no dancing, lest we get in trouble with Dr. Holly Jolly, our officer of shutdowns.

COUN. DIETER DICKENS: Before we begin, Your Warship, may I compliment you on your Christmas bow tie? It’s so much classier than that thing you usually wear around your neck.

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KRINGLE: That ‘thing’ is called the Mayor’s Chain of Office, and it’s gone missing; I’d rather not talk about it.

BYRON McCHESTNUT, Director of Almost Everything: I have an update on that one, Your Eggnog. It was last observed hanging around the neck of the statue of Frootloops Phil, our town’s founder, but he’s been ruled out as a suspect. Before we were able to retrieve it, it disappeared again. We’ve now received a ransom note and we’re negotiating for its release.

KRINGLE: OK, keep me informed. We’d better have the reading before we go further.

NATALIE GARLAND, Corporate Readings Officer: We have one that’s appropriate for this pandemic year, Your Wordiness. The great Victor Borge once said, “Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” Thus ends the reading.

KRINGLE: Words to live by, Ms. Garland, well said. Now then, time is short and we’ve got to make plans for our annual Christmas party. We’re under some very strict no-nos from Dr. Holly Jolly. Could we get an update from Mr. Toboggan on the latest guidelines, please.

DAVID TOBOGGAN, Chief Frootloops Officer (CFO): Certainly, Your Shiplap, we’ve just received clarification. There is to be no Christmas this year unless you’re in a half-full hockey arena with 10,000 other people spilling beer on each other, or at an otherwise authorized event that makes no sense. There will be no trying to stay healthy by going to a socially distanced gym. We are, however, allowed to do push-ups in the privacy of our own homes while we watch Elf on TV for the 100^th time, as long as we aren’t having fun. One more thing — the Christmas turkey must wear a mask.

COUN. DENIS WALNUTS: ——

KRINGLE: Please unmute yourself, Coun. Walnuts.

WALNUTS: …… Sorry about that, is that better? I have a notice of motion to present, Your Starship. Whereas many people, such as ourselves, won’t be getting together in person due to the pandemic, and whereas we need to celebrate as best we can, I move we all order in some frootcake from Ditch the Dishes, hook up on Zoom and play board games, then go out on the streets and hand out free rapid COVID testing kits. I’ve got several more pages of “whereases” but you get the drift.

COUN. DALE BAUBLE: That sounds like a concentration camp to me, Your Frostbite, and I’m voting against it.

KRINGLE: The motion hasn’t been seconded yet.

BAUBLE: Who cares? I’m voting against it anyway.

COUN. KATHY ÉCLAIR: I, too, oppose the motion, Your Washtub. Unless it includes something about recycling.

TOBOGGAN (looking at his mobile device): Excuse me, Your Yuletide, this just in. Santa is in quarantine and is complaining about the food and poor laundry service. He says if his suit doesn’t come back from the cleaners he’s staying home.

COUN. BILL SNOWBALL: Supplemental, Your Corkscrew.

KRINGLE: Supplemental!

SNOWBALL: Your Nutcracker, I sincerely thank Coun. Walnuts for thinking about alternatives but I’d like to amend the motion to include as featured entertainment a magician who can, hopefully, pull something out of the hat that will save us from a huge budget increase next year.

KRINGLE: Anyone else around the horse shoe have ideas?

COUN. MIKE O’FROSTY: We don’t actually have a horse shoe, Your Cranberries. We’re meeting online.

KRINGLE: I know, but I like saying it anyway. I also like saying, “unprecedented.”

DAVE TOBOGGAN: Here’s a bulletin, Your Grinchness. Santa is triple vaxxed, his suit is back from the cleaners and he’s good to go! Dr. Holly Jolly says we’re now allowed to have fun as long as we do it in moderation. Still no dancing, though.

KRINGLE: OK, then, sounds as though we’re all set. We’ll take Coun. Walnuts’ suggestion on the party and with that, I’ll accept a motion to adjourn.

COUN. SADIE WONDER: So moved.

KRINGLE: We’re adjourned until tomorrow. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Mel Blitzenburger is a fan of Frootloops Council who likes to poke fun at them once a year.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or Pattison Media.