Image Credit: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

By James Peters

Two & Out

PETERS: One day, we shall defeat the man cold

Sep 27, 2019 | 4:05 AM

I HAVE A COLD, and because I’m a man, it’s a man cold, and because it’s a man cold, it’s one-thousand times worse than any illness ever contracted in history.

The aches and pains are more acute, the malaise more oppressive.

Every laboured breath I exhale passes by swollen glands and inflamed mucous membranes before it can be liberated into the air like so many doves at a ’90s wedding.

If that exhaled breath is not replaced in my lungs by pure, unfiltered sympathy, I will begin coughing uncontrollably.

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I have a priest on standby at all times.

Men have suffered at the cruel, icy hands of the common cold from time immemorial but, in recent years, the virus has, according to my own considered scientific opinion, mutated to become far more vicious than it ever was prior.

It’s a sociopathic little bug that derives untold pleasure in causing men pain.

I fear its mutation is a conspiracy bred by the unholy alliance of Big Sofa and the chicken soup lobby.

But fear not.

We are working to address this crisis.

I have launched a Go-Fund-Me campaign, because that’s what people do whenever they need anything – regardless of whether that thing is money.

It’s the digital equivalent of standing on the median with a cardboard sign.

We’ll hold a benefit concert headlined by the Rolling Stones.

After all, an ill-timed man cold could wipe out that entire band.

And even more exciting is the research we’re launching from the newly-minted Man Cold Research Institute of BC — or MCRIB.

Part of the Go-Fund-Me proceeds will go toward fighting McDonald’s in trademark court.

One day, we will beat this horrible scourge.

And on that day, that glorious day, I will speak with a clear voice, finally unimpeded by gallons of phlegm – “You have been defeated, man cold.”

That is, if I survive to the end of today.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.