By Refraction

NEUSTAETER: Let’s talk about porn

Feb 24, 2019 | 6:00 AM

RECENTLY A FRIEND IN THE MEDICAL FIELD was telling me about how common it has become for women — and particularly very young women — to have surgeries and cosmetic procedures in order to live up to the terribly unrealistic expectations that porn has created. I have to admit that it broke my heart more than a little.

Beautiful, intelligent, young women who are still developing their senses of security and confidence have come to believe that the very most private and sacred parts of themselves are not worthy because of what an industry, based on anything but love or reality, is telling them is not only normal, but expected. They think they need to be “flawless” carbon copies of what this warped world tells them is attractive in order to be loved or valued.

Impressionable, inexperienced, young men who are still developing their senses of security and confidence have come to believe that the one-dimensional images they see on the internet are the measuring stick by which their own worth, performance, partners and sexual experiences should be judged. They think that it is normal for a relationship to be devoid of foundational love and are confused about why they feel like reality never quite measures up.

I was a teenager living in the mid ’90s the first time I heard a friend talk openly about a porn addiction and how it had come to consume his life. He had reached a point of absolute desperation as he found himself obsessed with the thoughts, images and unrealistic standards that he had developed around his own sexuality, as well as the expectation that he had come to have for a sexual relationship with a partner because of the impressions that porn had given him.

As if it isn’t difficult enough for a teenage boy to interact with potential interests anyway, he was finding that he could not relate to girls at all because he was conflicted and ashamed that he had inadvertently come to see them as sexual objects first and people as a distant second.

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The education that porn had given my friend of a “normal” sexual interaction between two people was confusing, isolating and completely unfair to both him and his future partner(s) — and that was before the inundation of internet porn content made access for kids not only far too easy, but nearly unavoidable.

There’s some contradiction about the average age of exposure to porn for a North American child, but recent research shows that “by age 12, 70 per cent of boys and 50 percent of girls have been exposed to pornography” and it has been speculated that it isn’t unusual for children to be exposed to unwanted porn by the tender age of seven. Those stats make it both incredibly difficult (because who wants to have to introduce the topic of porn to their 7 year old?) and absolutely crucial to get ahead of the conversation with our kids.

Although I think that preventative parental controls on devices are vital, it is also my belief that it can be detrimentally unrealistic to expect that our kids will never see porn because of them. Therefore, in addition to ensuring that our kids are not over-exposed, we must also make sure they are not under-prepared. By continually having uncomfortable conversations with our kids we can support them in making beneficial choices while also giving them a safe place to come when they need to process their feelings as the moment arises.

With porn so ridiculously accessible these days, kids often receive the message that, “Everyone watches porn and it’s totally normal.” But I want both them and you to know that if you are a person who chooses not to watch porn because you recognize that it is not good for your mind, body, soul or relationships, then you are not alone. Much like any other vice that we can come to depend on for fun, indulgence, distraction or to cope, we must constantly look inward and honestly ask ourselves certain questions: Is this really okay for me? Is this actually benefiting me and my relationships? Is this good for me in the long term? Does this sit well with my soul? Do I like this or do I need this? And we must teach our kids to ask themselves the same.

As much as we might like to, we can’t always protect our children from temptation or prevent their exposure to things that have the potential to harm them. But we can do our best to prepare them. We can also free them from the shame that will draw them further down the rabbit hole of internet porn by making ourselves available for non-condemning dialogue when they find themselves in a compromised moment, which includes becoming vulnerable with them about our own flaws, imperfections, failings and lessons learned.

I don’t expect that my children will be thrilled to learn that I’m writing a public column about porn —because, honestly, no one wants to hear their mom talk about this subject — just as they aren’t thrilled when I talk to them about porn. But it isn’t my job as a parent to make them comfortable; it’s my job to prepare them so that they have a realistic gauge by which to measure their health, expectations and lives while ensuring they have people to turn to if or when that gauge fails.

With a lot of work, determination and support, the powerful hold that porn had on my friend’s life was broken. Because he identified that porn was messing with his life, overcame his pride and shame and asked for help, he was able to conquer his addiction and he formed a healthy, loving, mutual, realistic, long term and satisfying relationship that’s still flourishing today.

Ideally, healthy boundaries around exposure to porn would be established for all people and our children’s innocence would be protected for as long as possible. But when that doesn’t happen let’s make sure that we give people the opportunity to admit their struggles, break their bondage and create a fresh path forward.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.