Thoughts and prayers don’t deserve the bad rap

But what about when a single life is lost and doesn’t make the news? What about thoughts and prayers then?

Are condolences in general out of style?

Here’s what I think.

The next time a friend loses someone close, you will wonder what to say to them. You’ll offer condolences, and maybe tell them they’re in your thoughts and prayers.

You might think it’s not enough, that you need to say something creative, original, reassuring.

When you tell them that if there’s anything you can do to help, to please let you know, you’ll hope your friend understands that you really mean it, but you’ll wonder.

Someone expressed condolences to me the other day, and then said, apologetically, “I know those are hollow words.”

They are anything but, and I told him so, that his thoughtfulness was deeply appreciated.

Condolences are not platitudes. Offering condolences to someone might be the most important thing you could possibly do on a given day.

In the early and worst stages of grief, when nothing matters any more, when nothing makes sense, when sleep won’t come, when eating, talking and even walking become unbearably hard, that next act of kindness, those next words of caring, matter.

It’s a very personal thing, grieving, a time when we often retreat within ourselves and we don’t know what to do, but we need to acknowledge what has happened, and we do that best with others around us.

When you send that condolence card or message, or make a phone call, or offer a hug, it’s like you’re knocking on the door of the other person’s grief, offering to take just a little piece of it off their hands.

People write articles and guides on this kind of thing, but an instructional manual isn’t necessary. It’s simple. It really is the thought that counts.

Your friend who is in mourning may not say much in return, but it’s only because functioning at anything close to normal is impossible for them right now. Their stable and orderly world has suddenly become very unstable and disorderly.

Don’t let it make you question what you’re doing.

“Words can’t express….” No, they can’t, and don’t need to, at least not definitively. There’s no way to rationalize this thing, but a few sympathetic words — “Our condolences,” “so sorry for your loss,” “our sympathies” and, yes, “thoughts and prayers” — make a difference. Sure, they’re used often, but originality or creativity matter less than the sentiment.

And don’t ever think offering to do something to help is taken for granted. Your friend will remember, and don’t be surprised if there really is something you can do, even if it’s just sitting down for a coffee and being willing to listen.

One of the many messages of condolence in these past two and a half weeks since our own family’s tragedy advised, “Grieve hard.”

Those words had an amazingly freeing effect on me that day, because they meant we don’t always have to pretend we’re strong. We can’t expect ourselves to act normal or think straight in such times.

Whether someone is killed in a headline-making mass tragedy, or it’s a singular death, the loss is no less to the family and friends of the one who died. In either case, those simple words of sympathy convey that the loved one who has been lost was important. Their life had meaning. It had value. The loss is collective.

So when you wonder whether condolences are enough — remember that, at that moment, they’re everything.

by Armchair Mayor

Thoughts and prayers don’t deserve the bad rap

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