KAMLOOPS — The Big Day is almost upon the sleepy village of Frootloops, and the council has come together to plan the annual Christmas concert, featuring a skit by its members. Mayor Ken Kringle, newly elected to the job, takes his chair and prepares to preside.
KRINGLE: I call this meeting to order. We have a fulsome agenda to get through, unless there’s anyone here who’s contrary minded. Main topic is the annual Christmas skit. We can only increase the budget this year by 2.5 per cent. Mr. Tannenbaum, how much will that get us?
DAVE TANNENBAUM (CFA, ie, Chief Frootloops Administrator): About a hundred thousand, Your Hedgehog.
KRINGLE: Maybe we can kill some things off the wish list.
COUN. TINA TINSEL: Your Nutcracker, who’s going to play Santa this year, now that your predecessor Peter Fudgebar has gone missing somewhere in the back benches?
VOICE SEEMINGLY FROM NOWHERE: Me, pick me! I’d do an awesome job, for sure!
COUN. DIETER DICKENS: Where’s that voice coming from, Your Workshop?
KRINGLE: Oh, I forgot. Coun. Singalong is joining us by video-conferencing from Cambodia. I have him here on my iPad.
COUN. ARJUN SINGALONG: Thanks so much, Your Eggnog. I’d like to play Santa if you don’t mind. I practiced up all summer long and people said I got pretty good at it.
KRINGLE: Thanks for the offer, but it’s predicated on the supposition that I don’t want to do it, which I do. All in favour of me playing Santa?
COUN. SINGALONG: What a minute, I object –
KRINGLE: Oops, looks like we’ve lost the connection. Since anyone on teleconference who loses contact is counted as a “yes” vote on all subsequent motions, that makes it unanimous. Any other questions?
COUN. DONOVAN EVERGREEN: I think we should vote again using proportional obfuscation. That way, everybody wins, and we can all be Santa for 15 minutes.
KRINGLE: Anyway, I was thinking this year’s skit could be about a Grinch who tries to destroy everyone’s spirit by digging a humongous hole right next to town but the Whos convince the Whatsits to do an environmental study and Santa comes to the rescue and it gets turned down.
COUN. KATHY SNOWFLAKE: Your Snowglobe, I’d like to say what a fantastic town we live in, with great volunteers and great taxpayers and great businesses and a great –
KRINGLE: Is there a question in there somewhere?
SNOWFLAKE: I have an idea for where we should hold the Christmas concert.
COUN. PAT WASSAIL: I’m really getting frustrated, Your Mincemeat. Why do we have to debate everything to death? Why can’t we just get on with it? I move we approve the motion.
COUN. SNOWFLAKE: I haven’t made my motion yet, Your Yuletide. I was going to suggest we hold it in our great new parking lot. Nobody’s parking there so we’d have lots of room. But we should get a name for it first.
TANNENBAUM: Well, Your Wreathship, staff did some brainstorming and came up with the name “That New Parking Lot.” But I suppose we could do a study.
KRINGLE: Let me guess.
TANNENBAUM: About a hundred thousand. We could call it a “locational nomenclature options study” or something like that. Sounds so much better than “Another parking lot study.”
COUN. RAY JINGLEBELLS: I’m concerned about security for the concert. Should we bring in some extra Royal Frootloops Police on overtime?
TANNENBAUM: You know what that’ll cost.
JINGLEBELLS: Well, I’m new here so whatever staff recommends is OK by me. Just tell me how to vote.
KRINGLE: This is getting too complicated. Why don’t we forget the whole concert thing and put up a Christmas statue instead? Of course, it would probably cost…
ALL TOGETHER: About a hundred thousand!
KRINGLE: Close enough. We’ll make it up with all the money we’ll make on the new business licenses for marijuana dispensaries. Our work here is done! Meeting adjourned!
COUN. EVERGREEN: Can I get a ride with somebody?