'Twas the night before Christmas... in Kamloops

Plain Rhetoric
By Bill McQuarrie
December 19, 2017 - 5:00am

KAMLOOPS — With my apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, I give you my Kamloops version of his poem, The Night Before Christmas. And what better way to take you to Christmas Eve in Kamloops then to begin with that famous opening line…


'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through City Hall

Everyone was thinking

About the election next fall.


The stockings were hung by the chimney with hope

That more people this time

Would actually vote.


The voters themselves were nestled snug in their beds

While visions of fair taxes

Danced in their heads.


And the mayor now home began to relax

With hopes that guy Bill

Would never again say zero tax.


When out on my lawn there arose such a clatter

I was certain I heard bafflegab

And loud chatter.


I sprang from my bed with one quick hop

Cell phone in hand

Ready to call a cop.


I threw open the curtains wondering what would appear

Thinking maybe it would be

Those tiny reindeer.


When what to my wondering eyes should I note

But eight City Councillors

Arguing over some vote.


It is Christmas Eve and the hour is late

So why I asked

Can’t they end these debates.


Ajax is done, no need to talk mine

By-laws is happy

They’ve got more fines.


City staff knows best you should always listen

To their unbiased advice

That is so quickly given.


Soon to be legal, why worry about grass

As despite staff’s efforts

It will come to pass.


You can hire consultants and spend lots of dough

To ask local residents

If they prefer angled parking in rows.


The idea of a PAC will come and go

But so far a parking lot

Is all you have to show.


I listen to you talk every council meeting day

But I can’t help and wonder

If we’ll ever hear from Ray.


You ask if I’ll run in next year’s real election

And I assure you the mayor’s chair

Is no longer my intention.


A wink of my eye and a twist of a head

Soon gave you to know

You had nothing to dread.


Now Arjun, now Cavers, now Wallace I called

Now Denis, now Dieter I shouted to all

Take Tina, call Kathy and don’t forget that guy Ray


And maybe it’s time to call it a day.

So dash away, dash away, dash away all

And I laughed when I saw

All drive beyond city hall.


But I heard them exclaim

Ere they drove out of sight

"Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night."


I’ll be taking a short break next week but back on January 2, so until then, Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

I’m Bill McQuarrie, signing off for 2017.