NEUSTAETER: Motherhood — The Teenage Years

Planning a trip to the library was like executing a DEFCON Level 1 operation (complete with recon, emergency supplies and extraction protocol) and the answer to my husband’s 5:00, “How was our day?” was strictly determined by the success or failure of breastmilk, poop and naptime.

More time in that stage is spent on disciplining than anyone warns you about and for your birthday you’ll only ask that “no one cries today.” (BTW, although they’ll try, that wish will not be honoured and it might very well be you doing the crying.)

Sweet mamas of babies and toddlers:

It’s a hard and precious gig. Those of us who have lived that phase where the days are long but the years are short remember — and we see you: juggling the car seats, balancing the meals, trying to maintain friendships, debating your career, grieving and celebrating your return to work, navigating this new phase of your relationship with your spouse or partner or struggling to do it alone.

I promise it gets easier, but I also promise that you’ll look back a couple years from now and your uterus will hurt when you see pictures of their round little faces and squishy little cheeks.

You only live those challenging and treasured days once and you’ll never be so well-cuddled again, because soon it’s on to the Elementary School Years.

In this next phase it’s backpacks that look like they’ll tip their wearers over backwards, the endless making of lunches, stacks of redundant permission slips, missing gloves, “Why are you only telling me about the bake sale NOW?”, gap-toothed smiles and soccer schedules.

It’s like your family enters a time warp on the day they start kindergarten; it all just speeds up. One day it’s September, blink and it’s Christmas, exhale and it’s June.

More time is spent on scheduling than anyone warned you about and for your birthday you’ll only ask that, “I don’t have to drive anyone anywhere today.” (BTW, although they’ll try, that wish will not be honoured and you will just have to suck it up and be the taxi like any other day.)

Sweet mamas of elementary aged kids:

These years with your kids are consuming but so special. They still talk to you about whatever pops into their minds and paint flower pots for Mother’s Day. The struggle of the juggle is real, but you start to see windows into both their independence and yours. The beautiful tension of supporting them while letting go begins to loosen and, ideally, you find yourself moving from disciplinarian to coach as elementary school ends and you enter the teenage years.

Our family is still in a relatively young phase of the teenage stage and I’m darn sure that even at the end I still won’t have it figured out and who knows what’s to come? But after working with hundreds of teenagers over the years I’ve got to tell you that I’ve been looking forward to this stage from the day my babies were born and so far, while definitely not perfect, it’s been blessing on top of blessing.

It’s always frustrated me to hear people slam the teenage years; speaking of them with foreboding, issuing warnings like they’re an inevitable disaster or assuming they’re something you should dread or just “get through”. The eye-rolls, negative assumptions and condescension that people have for teenagers sends me into nothing short of a Mama Bear rage-fest, so you can just save it for someone else ‘cuz I’ve got nothing but love for the teenagers.

Sweet mamas of teens and teens to come:

While the teenage years will have their challenges just like any other stage, here are some of my favourite things about being the Mom of teenagers so far and why you should look forward to these years:

Teens are hilarious. We’ve never laughed harder than we do right now. They’re each so solidly their own person that you can’t predict what they’ll say or know where they got it from and it never ceases to amaze me. If you love to laugh then you can look forward to the teenage years.
You no longer need to worry about babysitters! Suddenly there’s this freedom and space to go on a date, take a solo walk, stop at a store or attend an event. I think it’s important not to abuse that privilege by leaving them alone too much, but it’s seriously a nice development.
Teens can teach you about new technology and apps and you can steal their hoodies.
You start to see the values, time and energy you’ve poured into their foundation pay off as they face hard choices and make the right ones more often than not. (Try not to focus on or flip out over the “not”.) I’ve never been more proud than in the moments I’ve had glimpses into the people they are choosing to become when faced with the challenges of the teen years.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a loving partner and have put the hard work into your marriage along the way, this is where you start to see it Really paying off. Practising a communicative, united front in your kids’ younger years lends its rewards for your marriage in the teen years. You’ve found your rhythms and truly feel you’re in it together. You can trade off your strengths and weaknesses and let your partner fill in the gaps you leave behind.
You can finally show them The Office TV series and they totally get it. If you’re very lucky they will also send you great Office-related memes.
Teens can independently make meals and clean. (Not particularly well, but it’s not nothing.)
Teens can play games that are actually enjoyable. (i.e. not Go Fish, Candyland or tic tac toe.)
Teens are strong enough to open jars, tall enough to reach things on high shelves, can mow the lawn, hoof it to the corner store and keep track of their own schedule (in theory).
If you’re very lucky and very determined, they start to feel a little more like friends every day as you begin to move from disciplinarian to coach to mentor.

More time is spent on learning not to take things personally than anyone warned you about in the teenage years and for your birthday you’ll only ask for “A weekend away at Sparkling Hills.” (BTW, although they’ll try, that wish will not be honoured because ALL OF YOUR MONEY is spent on groceries and boat-sized shoes.) But when I go downstairs in my house and hear the voices of their friends, see the scattered chip bags and hold my breath from the stench, my heart still swells with the love of them.

You’re every bit as much their Mama at 15 years old as when they were five years, five months or five days old and they’re every bit as much still your babies, too.

These teenage years are just as precious as the first ones, as critical as the elementary ones and they need you as much as all of those years put together.

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Whatever stage of parenting or wanting to be a parent you are in, whatever frustrations come with those stages and whatever is to come, never forget that your very worst day with them is still better than any day you could have without them in this world.

And there are a lot of good days in the teenage years.

Happy Mother’s Day, friends.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.

by Katie Neustaeter

NEUSTAETER: Motherhood — The Teenage Years

Sweet mamas of babies and toddlers:

Sweet mamas of elementary aged kids:

Sweet mamas of teens and teens to come:

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