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By Mel Rothenburger

ARMCHAIR MAYOR

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops Mayor Jack Hammer sues for peace at Christmas

Dec 23, 2023 | 7:48 AM

FROOTLOOPS COUNCIL reluctantly gathers for its annual general Christmas meeting. Councillors aren’t sure what to expect as Mayor Jack Hammer takes his chair, flips on his tape recorder and pulls out his notebook.

MAYOR JACK HAMMER: OK, I guess we can call this meeting to order. Is that correct, Ms. Poinsettia?

COUN. BILL SHORTFUSE: Your Dictatorship, stop right there. You’ve got to quit disrespecting staff by mentioning their names when you talk to them.

MARIA POINSETTIA (corporate officer person and reader of readings): As I tell you every meeting, Your Dealership, it is indeed appropriate to call the meeting to order, although I should draw to your attention that you might have a conflict of interest just breathing.

MAYOR HAMMER: Thanks very much for that, I’m fine. Maybe the individual — without mentioning any names — who does the readings could give us the reading?

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POINSETTIA: Yes, Your Gunship, that would be me. Today’s reading is by Jack Handrey, the author of Deep Thoughts. He wrote, “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

MAYOR HAMMER: Well that fits in with my newest notice of motion — after consulting with my personal lawyer, I’ve decided I’m gonna sue. I see Coun. Grandstander has her hand up.

COUN. K. T. NEWSMAKER: It’s Newsmaker, not Grandstander, as I keep telling you, Your Battleship. My question is, what did I do wrong this time?

MAYOR HAMMER: No worries, I’m suing for peace. I just thought it would be appropriate for Christmas. I can’t see it doing any harm. It might even do quite a bit of good. But if you don’t like the idea, I’ll just drop it.

COUN. KELLY TOWNHALL: I think I can safely say, on behalf of the gang, that we’ll be sending a letter to Victoria saying we aren’t interested.

COUN. MIKE O’WRLY: Just a minute, I hate to admit that anything you say might be worth discussing, but are you talking about a break in hostilities?

MAYOR HAMMER: Exactly, yeah, a sort of truce for the rest of the holiday season. I hoped I’d be able to invite you down to the car lot to sit around the campfire singing Kumbaya, but Chief Mukaluk towed my car away so I don’t have any fire starter.

COUN. STEVE FARTGATE: Your Bumbleship, I’d only be willing to take part in something like that if nobody tells jokes. And as long as my emotions don’t get hijacked again. I still haven’t found out who hijacked them the last time.

COUN. NANCY BANJO: Point of order, Your Eggnog. We shouldn’t be making any rash decisions on the fly. I move we refer it to a committee and let them think about it for a few months while we continue fighting with each other as usual.

MAYOR HAMMER: I believe Coun. Bats has a question.

COUN. DALE BRASH: That’s Brash, not Bats, Your Warship. I wish you’d at least get our names right by now.

MAYOR HAMMER: Sorry about that, I’m still a rookie.

COUN. BRASH: I just want to know, if we all promise to be good, can we give ourselves a big pay raise like we did at the TNRD?

DAVE MELATONIN, UFO (Unappreciated Frootloops Officer): More importantly, Your Hardship, will this interfere with the humongous tax increase we’re planning on whacking Frootopians with next year? We’ve kind of been counting on it.

COUN. MARGOT MUDDLETON: Your Frootcake, I think a mediator would be able to help guide us through this. I’m just wondering if you’ve put any thought into who it would be.

COUN. SHORTFUSE: Your Washtub, someone in the public gallery just threw peanuts at me. That’s against the community charter, our code of conduct, and the Geneva Convention. We let the public into our meetings out of the goodness of our hearts but if this keeps up I think we should go behind closed doors. Somebody will leak it to the media later anyway.

MAYOR HAMMER: So, carrying on, former councillor Denis Watchdog has offered his services. But there’s also a guy named Peter Mindbender who comes highly recommended by the province.

COUN. O’WRLY: Well, Your Dipship, I suppose we could agree to hold off on a few of our investigations into your conduct.

COUN. BRASH: Your Shiplap, I’m a little concerned about how long you expect us to do this. Could you define the holiday season? It sounds like a long time to be respectful.

BYRON McCHORTLE (Deputy UFO): Your Chipdip, if I could join the conversation, baby steps might be the best approach here. I don’t think we need third-party intervention. I suggest that instead of anything long term, a short humanitarian pause might be in order.

MAYOR HAMMER: How long a pause?

McCHORTLE: Just for Christmas Day, Your Bullship. Then, on Boxing Day, you could resume fighting. They don’t call it Boxing Day for nothing.

COUN. NEWSMAKER: Well, I suppose I’d be willing to work late into the night writing up a manifesto for it. Everybody could just email me their thoughts.

MAYOR HAMMER: And maybe we could pay for our own Christmas dinner instead of charging it to our meal allowance? And send some of the homeless back home for Christmas? And release a few confidential documents? No? Too soon? OK, let’s vote on it. All opposed? Nobody opposed, not even me. Merry Christmas! …Group hug?

Mel Rothenblather is a former mayor of Frootloops and former editor of the Frootloops Daily News. He has written about Frootloops since he can remember.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or Pattison Media.