(image credit - ‘ No talking’ symbol, Vecteezy.com)

By Mel Rothenburger

ARMCHAIR MAYOR

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops councillors stand united at special meeting

Jun 3, 2023 | 7:07 AM

A SPECIAL MEETING of the Frootloops town council has been called to discuss councillors’ concerns about the leadership style of Mayor Jackhammer. They sit at the horseshoe awaiting his arrival. He appears, and stands at the doorway wondering if he should sit down.

MAYOR JACKHAMMER: Uh, where should I sit?

MARIA BRUSCHETTA, corporate officer person of Frootloops: Your Bumbleship, as I’ve explained to you countless times, the new Code of Conduct adopted by council says you are allowed to sit anywhere you want, except at the same table as other members of council, and as long as there are no knives or forks. So a special platform has been built for you behind the horseshoe with some scrap lumber from that humongous platform we spent a ton of money on at Frootloops Arena for the big tournament.

JACKHAMMER (taking his seat at his new plywood table): It’s a bit wobbly.

BRUSCHETTA: Your Stumblebum, as I’ve explained to you countless times…

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COUN. NEWCOMER: I’ll take it from here, Ms. Bruschetta, thank you very much.

BRUSCHETTA: But I haven’t given the reading yet. That’s my favourite part. I can be quick.

NEWCOMER: Please do, and I would be so very highly appreciative and grateful to hear your words as this incredibly united team of ours continues on its path working for the betterment of all Frootopians because that’s what we do best and we’re so darned good at it. But please do be quick.

BRUSCHETTA: In the words of the great philosopher Unknown (sorry, I don’t know his last name), “When spiders unite they can tie down a lion.” Thus ends the reading.

JACKHAMMER: OK, then, I guess we can get started.

COUN. NEWCOMER: Point of order, Your Warpedspeed, we the Frootloops United, wish to put it on the record that we are extremely concerned, because it deeply offends our sense of integrity, that you are going around saying it’s a nice day. That is a complete dog whistle. You have not, Mr. Mumbleship, consulted with us on this, and you must immediately stop sending out emails claiming it’s a beautiful morning, without our approval.

JACKHAMMER: Thank you, Coun. Grandstander.

NEWCOMER: It’s Newcomer!

JACKHAMMER: Sorry, my mistake. I’m a rookie. Well, I guess I would have thought you’d all be in favour of good weather. What harm can it do?

COUN. SHORTFUSE: Mr. Gunship, as you well know, my committee has been working on that very thing since February and we expect to have something ready sometime later this year, or maybe next year, assuming of course, the committee reconvenes before then, since, as you know, we dissolved it a while back.

JACKHAMMER: What should I say in the meantime? Am I allowed to say the sky is blue?

COUN. HARDBALL: That would require a Notice of Motion, Your Washtub, with plenty of Whereases. Like, a lot of them. To give it substance. Mind you, we’d vote it down anyway.

JACKHAMMER: OK, I think Coun. Brash wishes to speak.

COUN. BRASH: Point of order, Your Battleship, there you go again, interrupting me when I’m not talking! I just wish to point out that you’ve been letting common members of the public speak about anything they want. Next thing you know they’ll want us to start listening to them. It will be chaos. My reporter DNA is wondering if you’re going to quit that any time soon.

JACKHAMMER: Sorry, I’m just a rookie.

COUN. O’WRYLY: Point of order, Mr. Mumbleship, I’ll just remind you there’s a clause in council’s new Code of Conduct that says you’re not allowed to keep calling yourself a rookie. Clause 403.2.1.b says only the new councillors are allowed to keep calling themselves rookies.

COUN. MIDDLING: Actually, I prefer to say I’m still learning. And, of course, “united we stand!” is pretty good, too.

COUN. KERPLUNK: Your Wordiness, last month it was my turn to be deputy mayor of Frootloops, which was a great honour. I learned lots of neat stuff. Anyway, I had to sign all the Happy Birthday cards sent out to Frootopians for the month, because you refused to do it. I demand to know why!

JACKHAMMER: Well, OK, I was in Nova Scotia at the time.

NEWCOMER: That’s no excuse, Your Shipyard! You are my mayor. Will you, or will you not, sign Happy Birthday cards in future?

JACKHAMMER (giving a shrug of resignation): OK, then, I’ll sign them.

DAVID MELATONIN, chief Frootloops officer person: Your Shiplap, perhaps we need to calm down a bit, so maybe this would be a good time to deal with the Notice of Motion submitted by all councillors? It says:

“Whereas people are calling Frootloops the ‘Laughing Stock of B.C.,’ and

“Whereas that simply isn’t good enough, and

“Whereas we need to be bold,

“Now therefore, council directs a committee of some sort — preferably one that hasn’t been suspended — to study the adoption of a new slogan, ‘The Laughing Stock of Canada’.”

NEWCOMER: I’d like to make an amendment, as soon as I can think of one.

COUN. BANJO: Your Bullship, we’ve been at this for half an hour and we’ve still got 11 and a half hours to go. Could we take a break?

JACKHAMMER: OK, maybe I’ll recuse myself and go watch some hockey. This meeting is recessed. Is that OK? I’m pretty sure the Frootloops Charter says I can do that.

Mel Rothenbabble is a former mayor of Frootloops and former editor of the Frootloops Daily News. He has written about the town of Frootloops as long as he can remember.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or Pattison Media.