ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council stars in its own sappy Christmas movie

TOBOGGAN: This is the part where you call the meeting to order, Your Hardship.

JACKHAMMER: OK then, let’s start the meeting. It says here on the agenda there’s a reading. What are we supposed to be reading?

MARIA POINSETTIA (Reader of Readings): This is where I provide a cute reading from some relevant source chock full of wisdom to get the meeting off to a good start, Your Dealership. Today’s reading is from the works of Ebenezer Scrooge: “Bah, Humbug!” Thus ends the reading.

BYRON McSNORKEL (Kitchen Sink Director): Your Battleship, the main business of this meeting is to come up with a plan for the annual council Christmas event to entertain the masses. Time is a bit short, being as tomorrow is Christmas Day, so a conversation would be in order.

BARB VEGGIE BURGER (Arts and Frootopians Manager): I’ll take over from here, Director McSnorkel. The troops have been brainstorming, and we think a good way to go would be a sappy Christmas movie starring all of you.

The Frootloops Film Commission is waiting outside with cameras. All we have to do is give them the green light. We’re thinking it could be about a mayor who comes to Frootloops from New York in search of the true spirit of Christmas, saves the town from a really big tax increase, and everyone gathers around Frootloops Square and sings O Come All Ye Taxpayers.

TOBOGGAN: But, of course, Your Warship, staff is always willing to consider input from our elected representatives even though they can be, how shall I say it, an inconvenience.

JEFF PUTMAN (Facilities Guy): Usually, sappy Christmas movies feature a bunch of young, incredibly good-looking people with really good hair but we have to work with what we’ve got so we’ll make some adjustments. Normally, there would be a tall man in flannel, and we were hoping we could get somebody from the works yard but the union wants double time so we scratched that role altogether.

JACKHAMMER: I like the general idea. The mayor could build a new recovery centre out in the sticks where the homeless and addicted could take courses and stuff and begin leading happy, productive lives. But shouldn’t I appoint a task force?

COUN. DALE BRASH: Wait a minute, Your Mumbleship, do I understand that this place would take people away from the poverty of the streets, give them three squares a day, teach them skills, feed and clothe them, provide recreation facilities, and send them back into the world equipped for success? And pay their taxes?

JACKHAMMER: That’s about it, yeah.

BRASH: Sounds more like one of those horror movies to me. Frootopians would never buy it.

JACKHAMMER: Well, then, how about the mayor gets into a spat with the head of a certain social agency that shall not be named. And this guy doesn’t have a name, either, and he’s known simply as “The Individual.” Has a sort of mystery to it, don’t you think

COUN. MIKE O’FROSTY: Or the council could hold the biggest referendum ever and borrow enough money to build everything they ever wanted at once!

COUN. NANCY BUBBLES: I’ve got a better idea, Your Washtub. The mayor has a nightmare in which the mayors of Frootloops Past — Peter Crankypants, Ken Christmas and Mel Rothenbabble — come to give him advice on how he should behave. Then they all get together at for Christmas dinner and a brewsky or two.

JACKHAMMER: That reminds me; I’m feeling peckish. Have we got any wraps?

COUN. KATIE NEWBIE: Sorry, Your Frootcake, we ate them all in the secret meeting you weren’t at before this secret meeting. They were delicious.

TOBOGGAN: Sorry to interrupt, Your Tankership, but Frootloops Fire Rescue has just texted me saying someone has set your car on fire. COUN.

KELLY HALLMARK: It wasn’t me!

COUN. STEVIE KABOOM: I didn’t do it!

COUN. BILL SLEIGHRIDE: Me neither!

COUN. MARGOT MISTLETOE: Sure wasn’t me!

JACKHAMMER: Whatever, I’ll have to recuse myself and go check it out. Feel free to carry on without me.

ALL COUNCILLORS: Oh, we will!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Council does carry on and figures out a really good script in which the people of Frootloops hold a bake sale — no wraps — to save the town. After several notices of motion, the creative title Christmas Comes to Frootloops is chosen. You can catch it livestreaming on the FrootFlix channel.

And have a Merry Christmas!

Mel Rothenbabble is a former mayor of Kamloops, former TNRD director and a retired newspaper editor. He is a regular contributor to CFJC Today, publishes the ArmchairMayor.ca opinion website, and is a recipient of the Jack Webster Foundation Lifetime Achievement Award. He can be reached at mrothenburger@armchairmayor.ca.

by Mel Rothenburger

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council stars in its own sappy Christmas movie

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