Image Credit: Mel Rothenburger

By Mel Rothenburger

ARMCHAIR MAYOR

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council meets to slash the budget before Christmas

Dec 19, 2020 | 6:46 AM

Frootloops council elves settle in for their last meeting before Christmas, oops Holiday Season, fiddling with their Zoom audios and visuals as His Wordship Ken Kringle prepares to call them to order.

MAYOR KRINGLE: Call the meeting to order please. Order, please. Where did Coun. Kathy Sleighbells go? Coun. Watchdog, please press your mute button.

COUN. DENIS WATCHDOG: Sorry, your Battleship, I thought it was a moot button. Is this better?

MAYOR KRINGLE: I meant turn your mute on, not off. We prefer not having to listen to you talking about the Trans Mountaintops pipeline and all that stuff.

COUN. KATHY SLEIGHBELLS: I’m here, Your Wordsmith, sorry about that. The e-bike ran out of juice on the way home and I haven’t ordered in my Skip The Dishes yet.

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COUN. MIKE O’ROOKIE: Your Warship, I wonder if maybe we could find another venue for our meetings. The parking is great for these Zoom chats but I have trouble figuring out whose turn it is to speak. Why can’t we move back to St. Andrews on the Loops where we met last year?

DAVE TOBOGGAN, Chief Administrative Honcho: Your Ownership, if I may, St. Andrews on the Loops isn’t available. Apparently, they’ve been booked solid without our help. Guess we blew that one.

COUN. DIETER DICKENS: Supplemental, Your Midship.

KRINGLE: Supplemental!!!

DICKENS: I already said that. I was just going to say, I miss the horseshoe. That’s such a cool name for a table.

COUN. SADIE HOLIDAY: I’d like to move that we replace all the photos of the Queen with pictures of Dr. Bonnie Henry.

MAYOR KRINGLE: Fine idea. Before we go further, let’s have the reading.

MARIA POINSETTIA, Frootloops Reader of the Readings: Your Membership, today’s reading is from the great poet, Johnny Carson. “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” Thus ends the reading.

MAYOR KRINGLE: Truly inspiring. On that note, this is the season of giving, and we’ve got to give our Frootopians a break with a cut in taxes. They’re really struggling right now. Any ideas?

COUN. BILL SURPRISE: I’ve been listening to what my neighbours are saying, because I’m a listener, and I think they’d be pleased if we didn’t raise taxes at all next year.

COUN. ARJUN SNOWFLAKE: Your Showmanship, I completely appreciate Coun. Surprise’s awesome thinking on this but I’m concerned about moving forward without a fulsome discussion with the community at large before we move forward. Maybe we could just drain the swamp – I mean, reserves. May I add that I am truly blessed to work with such an awesome group in such an awesome town and, in the spirit of the season, I’m willing to give up the new fence I was planning to sit on in 2021.

DAVE TOBOGGAN: On that point, Your Catnip, through to Coun. Snowflake, we haven’t been able to get your new fence yet anyway because we’ve been ordering everything through Amazon and all the couriers are really backed up with orders right now.

COUN. HOLIDAY: Your Starship, I’d like to move that we show bold leadership, like it says on our website, and cut our own pay by 20 per cent in keeping with the spirit of frugality during the pandemic.

All ‘round the Zoom screen there comes a collective drawing of breath interspersed with some outright gasps and a few snorts. One elf falls off her chair.

MAYOR KRINGLE: Let’s not get carried away. Any ideas that actually make sense?

BYRON McCHESTNUT, Kitchen Sink Director: Yes, Your Fellowship, we’ve been having a conversation about opportunities and are pretty sure if we shut down all Frootloops parks, pools and facilities we’ll be able to save a whack of dough.

JEFF PUTMAN, Manager of Parks, Pools and Facilities: We’ve already done that, Your Gunship.

McCHESTNUT: Oh.

COUN. O’ROOKIE: I’d be willing to promise not to ask for another parking study. That’d save a hundred grand right there.

COUN. WATCHDOG: How about instead of wasting electricity with online meetings we meet on a sidewalk patio?

COUN. DALE LAWNGRASS: Or we could send a strongly worded letter to Justin about something.

MAYOR KRINGLE: We have some members of the media online. We’d better take some questions.

PETER JAMES, C-FROOT Radio: Your Oneupmanship, I’ve got two minutes to fill on tonight’s editorial so I’m curious to know if you’re actually going to accomplish anything today.

JEFF PANCREAS, Radio C-LOOPS: So, well, Your Ridership, I’m just sort of wondering, quite frankly, I guess, where we’re at here, like, in my opinion Frootloops needs a new vision or maybe something else and, well, certain things are going on here.

MAYOR KRINGLE: What was your question?

PANCREAS: I kind of forgot it here today.

MEL BLITZENBURGER, rising from his armchair: I’d just like to know, Your Parsnip, why you don’t do things like we did in the old days.

MAYOR KRINGLE: Right. Well thanks for your questions but they weren’t about anything on the agenda so they’re out of order. Looks like we’re out of time but let me sum up: we’re right where we should be. All in favour of adjourning contrary minded the motion is carried.

COUN. SNOWFLAKE: Awesome.

Mel Blitzenburger is a former mayor of Kamloops and a retired newspaper editor. He is a regular contributor to CFJC, publishes the ArmchairMayor.ca opinion website, and is a director on the Thompson-Nicola Regional District board. He can be reached at mrothenburger@armchairmayor.ca.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.