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By Mel Rothenburger

ARMCHAIR MAYOR

ROTHENBURGER: A tale about a short visit to our COVID-19 testing station

Aug 29, 2020 | 6:52 AM

‘WE’VE GOT AN EXTRA long one for you,” said the healthcare worker as we pulled into the lineup at the drive-thru COVID-19 testing centre.

She was smiling when she said it so I figured she was kidding. After a couple of questions, she waved us along the line to a yellow-vested co-worker who gave us instructions on how to properly park under the big tent when it was our turn.

“Right where that truck is now,” she explained, pointing to the vehicle at the front of the line. A half minute later she yelled “passenger” and gave us the go-ahead and we pulled forward to where a half dozen PPE-suited nurses waited.

Signs were posted warning against taking photos or videos. Darn, I’d so wanted a selfie with a Q-tip up my nose.

One of them checked out my health services card through the driver’s side window and then moved around to the passenger side where I was sitting and handed me a sterilized cloth with which to blow my nose.

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“Remain seated and look forward just as if you were driving,” she told me, adding she was about to shove a rather impressive-sized Q-tip — although not the extra-long one her colleague had threatened — up my right nostril and twirl it a few times as she counted to 10.

Technically, this is called a nasopharyngeal swab. How far does it go in? According to the literature, it’s supposed to reach a depth equal to half the distance from the nostrils to the outer opening of the ear. Or the full distance, depending on who you’re talking to. Whichever it is, it sounds like an awfully long way.

The swab is then withdrawn, popped into a tube and sent off to the lab.

I can report it’s not any more pleasant than it looks on TV, but less uncomfortable than, say, a colonoscopy or a root canal. I was grateful that she’s a fast counter.

Indeed, my compliments to the testing crew — pleasant, cheerful, efficient and professional. If you’re going to have your sinuses reamed out, this is the team you want.

I was handed a couple of information sheets and we were done. Thus ended my first and hopefully last experience with COVID-19 testing.

The story begins two and a half days earlier when I awoke at 3 a.m. and hastened to the bathroom for some spirited barfing into the toilet bowl. Plus taking care of some desperate business at the other end.

My symptoms were classic for good old stomach flu — vomiting, diarrhea, headache, weakness, dizzy as can be, generally feeling like crap. Dr. Google confirmed it was likely norovirus but he doesn’t know everything so I took the online COVID-19 self-assessment quiz.

It takes mere minutes, asking whether you’re having any of three groups of symptoms. No fever, no difficulty breathing but, sure enough, I checked a bunch of boxes in group three and was advised to get a test done.

So, a day after the barfing began I called the number listed online, got a message that a nurse would called me back within 24 hours, and left my number. Sure enough, next morning, 23 and a half hours later, the phone rang and a pleasant voice identified herself as being with Interior Health.

After several questions about symptoms, she confirmed I should get tested and told me to be there at 1:25 p.m., no sooner, no later.

Less than 48 hours after the appointment, I got a call from my nurse practitioner’s office to let me know the test was negative. Nobody seems to want to say how accurate these tests are because there are a lot of variables, but I’ve graduated from water and apple juice to toast and white rice so I’m on the mend.

My question is this: after being ridiculously careful for six months, wearing masks, hand sanitizing, social distancing, how on earth did I pick up a virus of any kind, even though it’s not COVID-19? Dr. Google says norovirus is spread by direct contact (COVID-19 can live for days on some surfaces, too), not through the air, but my precautions against touching various surfaces, and making sure to frequently hand wash, should have killed the bug before it could take hold.

Was it a door knob, a crosswalk button? Who knows. But what it tells me is just how careful we’ve got to be right now. If norovirus can lurk on some surface you happen to come in contact with despite our best efforts, think how easy it is for COVID-19 to get into our mouth, nose or eyes as we go about our business.

The little buggers are everywhere, just waiting for us.

Mel Rothenburger is a former mayor of Kamloops and a retired newspaper editor. He is a regular contributor to CFJC, publishes the ArmchairMayor.ca opinion website, and is a director on the Thompson-Nicola Regional District board. He can be reached at mrothenburger@armchairmayor.ca.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.