ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council looks ahead to a brand new decade

DAVE TOBOGGAN, UFO (Unsung Frootloops Officer): Apologies, Your Frostbite, when the Heritage folks left St. Frootloops on the Square they took the pews with them. We haven’t had time to replace them yet.

COUN. KATHY SLEIGHBELLS: Your Eggnog, why don’t we just hop on our e-bikes and head down to our council chambers? The exercise will do us good.

COUN. ARJUN JINGLE: I think we should wait for ride hailing, Your Cratchetness.

BYRON McCHESTNUT, Director of Subjective Services: Your Rednose, through to Coun. Sleighbells, no can do on council chambers. Our online booking system is on the blink and it booked a children’s Christmas party in there by mistake. The only place available is this wonderful heritage structure that is such an asset to our community and which was operated and maintained for so many years by the fantastic volunteers of the heritage society before we kicked them out as part of council’s bold leadership, and which we’re having a conversation about and looking at some opportunities —

KRINGLE: Yeah, yeah. Ms. Poinsettia, the reading please.

MARIA POINSETTIA, Corporate Readings Officer: Today’s reading is from the works of Jack Handy, author of Deep Thoughts. “If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.” And that ends the reading.

KRINGLE: Thank you, Ms. Poinsettia, uplifting as always.

COUN. MIKE O’HOLLY arrives, trying not to be noticed: Sorry, your Wordship, parking in this town sucks.

KRINGLE: Now that we’re all here, let’s get down to business.

COUN. SADIE HOHOHO: Just a question, Your Fruitcake, could somebody turn up the heat? It’s cold in here.

McCHESTNUT: The HVAC system needs some work, Your Warship. We’ll get on it.

KRINGLE: Maybe the cold will help us move this meeting along. We’ve got to show bold leadership and come up with a strategic plan for 2020. Does anyone have any ideas?

COUN. DALE BASSOON: Your Leftovers, I think we’ve got to change our meeting times to make ourselves more accessible to the public. I’m working on a notice of motion that we meet on Daylight Savings Time year-round.

COUN. DENIS WORKSHOP: I’ve got a better idea, Your Gingerbread. As you know, I’ve felt for a long time we need to slow down traffic in the downtown area. We had great success with that while Frootloops Street West was being rebuilt; why don’t we tear it up all the way from First Avenue to Sixth Avenue and maybe drop a pipeline in there while we’re at it? That will really slow things down.

COUN. BILL SNOWBALL: I don’t think we should jump the gun on that one, Your Cheesecake, we should wait and see if the federal and provincial governments do it first. However, I’m thinking we could make some money off the new pedestrian mall if we allow RVs to park there overnight.

KRINGLE: I haven’t heard anyone mention the FRAC — Frootloops and Region Arts Centre — proposal. Don’t forget we have a referendum coming up in April. Mr. Toboggan, remind us of the wording again.

DAVE TOBOGGAN: Happy to, your Wordplay. The question on the ballot is: “Please, please, please vote to spend a whole bunch of money on a performing arts centre.”

COUN. DIETER DICKENS: Your Cranberries, we’ve got to lower the cost or Frootopians won’t vote for it. We’ve already saved a few million by not including any parking. How about if we take out some doors and windows and maybe the lobby?

JEFF PINECONE, FFM (Frootloops Facilities Manager): Through to Coun. Dickens, we think we can come in on budget if we eliminate the stage.

KRINGLE: I like it. That brings us to public inquiries.

TONY BUMBLE, Citizen: Your Grinchness, a lot of Frootopians are wondering what you’re going to do about climate change and –

KRINGLE: Out of order, the environment is not on the agenda. Next.

DAVE TOBOGGAN: Your Corkscrew, we have 30 or so notices of motion from ex-councillor Donovan Donner we should deal with. Here’s the first one…. I’ll skip the “whereases” and get right to the “Therefore.” The motion says, “Therefore…”

KRINGLE: Any discussion? None. Those in favour? Defeated.

TOBOGGAN: You didn’t actually wait for the motion, Your Yuletide.

KRINGLE: Close enough, let’s move on.

COUN. JINGLE: In case anyone has forgotten, I was acting mayor for six months and did a rather awesome job, so I think I know how things work. In my considered opinion, Mayor Mincemeat, we need to do more tweeting about what a fine team we are.

KRINGLE: Mr. Toboggan, please tell me staff has some ideas.

DAVE TOBOGGAN: In fact, we do, Your Snowflake. We’ve got plans for a brand new crosswalk downtown. It will cost $10,000 and will be painted beige and khaki, the official city colors. We think that’s rather bold. And we’re also planning a new mural of City council for the next parkade. What do you think?

KRINGLE: Let’s see if I’ve got this right. Our strategic plan for 2020 is going to include meeting on Daylight Savings Time, parking RVs on 4th Avenue, eliminating the stage in the new arts centre, installing a beige crosswalk and having a mural painted of ourselves. Hearing no further discussion, I declare this meeting adjourned. Please gather out in the square by the statue of Frootloops Phil, our founder, for some Christmas carols, including O Little Town of Frootloops, O Come All Ye Frootopians, and Joy to the Frootloops. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Mel Blitzenburger wishes everyone a Merry Christmas. Contact him at mrothenburger@armchairmayor.ca.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.

by Mel Rothenburger

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council looks ahead to a brand new decade

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