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By Katie Neustaeter

Refraction

NEUSTAETER: Dear fathers — we need you

Jun 16, 2019 | 12:30 AM

I HAVE FOUND THAT SOMETIMES when people don’t know me personally, they assume that I don’t like men because I am a self-proclaimed feminist. (Read: I believe in and often speak to the importance of gender equality.)

I understand why, historically, that might have been a somewhat reasonable assumption. The fact is that women have previously often felt forced to become very loud, very angry and very adversarial in order to be heard, taken seriously and enact critical social change. That necessity sometimes puts women in direct opposition to the men who attempted to suppress them, in an attempt to maintain the status quo, coloring a lot of women’s overall perception of men and building some brutal conflict between the sexes and at times even vilifying men in general.

In a lot of ways, women still need to fight to be heard and advance the plodding progress that women around the world still so desperately need. But one thing that I think has changed significantly — if not completely — is the belief that women have to hate men in order to champion equality. Conversely, I think men and women are both starting to better understand that we need each other in this life to truly flourish.

In 2019, I know significantly more feminists who love men and see the majority as allies than women who subscribe to the irony of discriminating against men because of their gender, which is perhaps due in no small part to the number of men who have been willing to change their hearts and actions when it comes to gender parity.

The fact is, until we start finding true equality between the sexes we will not see the change we want in our homes, workplaces, schools or in the world. Therefore, it’s vital that we do not beat down men in our pursuit of a better future for women. Men need the support and respect of women as much as women need the same, so equality must go both ways.

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I’m proud to be a part of this third-wave feminism and I’m thrilled to see the understanding of what it means to be a feminist evolving into something much more rounded and inclusive than in previous decades. However, I must admit that I also find myself concerned that, in the process, we are again failing to publicly encourage, affirm and appreciate good men — particularly fathers — which will inevitably stall our progress towards true equality.

Mothers need the fathers of their children, regardless of the status of their relationships, to rise. Their children need to benefit from relationships with dads who are present and involved, share the household burden, contribute — including and beyond the financial — treat their children’s mothers with dignity and see themselves in equal partnerships with their significant others. It’s also a huge part of our responsibility as women to extoll the many fathers who do just that every single day.

Are we talking about the good guys enough? Are we remembering to tell the virtuous fathers of this world that we value, see, respect and need them in this pursuit of a better world? Are we holding up examples for our boys of the kinds of men we want them to grow into and not just talking about the men we don’t want them to be? Are we elevating the kinds of men we want our daughters to marry so that they know they exist?

Here’s what I can tell you from personal experience: a home is a happier, healthier, more whole and a more loving place when the man in it is both empowered and respected in the same way that we, as women, are asking to be empowered and respected.

Because I see how significantly men affect the lives of women and children, I don’t believe that I could possibly be an effective feminist without wanting the best for men and acknowledging their goodness. After all, men are not the enemies. They are our fathers, brothers, spouses, friends, coworkers and the boys we are raising today will be them tomorrow.

As women, particularly as mothers, we need to cheer for the good men because they are also the good fathers and their voices matter, too.

I can’t remember who taught me the idea that often when women feel loved they also feel respected and often when men feel respected they also feel loved, but I do know that it became foundational in my actions and thinking when affirming the many good and loving men in my life and expecting that to be reciprocated.

If what we’re striving for is mutual love and respect — which is really the truest idea behind equality — then we must remember that it goes both ways.

We need the fathers of this world to rise and so, as the mothers of this world, we need to raise the good ones up.

Men who do not just bear the title, but dads who step up, show up, stand in, pitch in and make this world an infinitely more loving place through their service to their families.

Thank you, good, present, devoted and integral fathers; we see, love, respect, appreciate and need you both in our lives and this world.

Happy Father’s Day.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.