By Armchair Mayor

ROTHENBURGER: Searching for a parking spot in the asphalt jungle

Jan 26, 2019 | 6:00 AM

WE SPEND A LOT OF TIME obsessing over downtown parking rates but that’s only half the issue. The other half is parking spaces and how to find them.

We’ll all agree that we have a desperate shortage of downtown parking spaces in front of the place we want to go. This sets up a battle of wits and wills that has been going on since cave people fought over who got the juiciest chunks of the mastodon.

This does not bring out the best in us. It’s impossible to venture into downtown Kamloops without seeing examples of it, or taking part in it ourselves.

The experts call it parking rage. I was reminded of this phenomenon when reading this week about Alec Baldwin’s latest adventure with the law. The hapless actor was ordered to take an anger management course after shoving a man he said had stolen his parking spot.

The first law of parking rage is that there will always be a parking space exactly where you want it, except it’s on the wrong side of the street. This results in an immediate rise in blood pressure, which causes the foot to depress the gas pedal as we speed to the end of the block, hang a left on the (hopefully) green light, hang another left into an alley, back out into traffic, make our way back to the empty spot, and find it’s been taken.

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I would never, ever do such a thing but I bet you have. OK, maybe I’ve done it once or twice. Almost as stressful is spotting an open space in the next block while you’re stuck at a red light. You are forced to watch as somebody in an SUV pulls through the intersection, turns into the block and steals that spot right out from under you.

When it comes to finding parking spaces, we regard every other driver as our enemy.

There’s a special place in hell for drivers who give you hope by hopping into their vehicles and then sitting there checking their emails and voice mails while you wait for them to leave, and a lineup forms behind you. It’s inevitable that someone will feel the need to honk their horn in the belief that honking their horn solves every driving problem. (One study showed horn honking actually encourages the other guy to take longer to move.)

On the other hand, what if you’re the one who’s secured that spot, and don’t feel like leaving it yet? There’s a sense of everything being alright with the world when you’re securely ensconced in a parking spot in the 200-block of Victoria Street, and it’s hard to give it up.

How about the driver who doesn’t wish to go through the hassle of parallel parking and thinks he or she can drive straight into a spot head first? They then must spend five minutes jockeying back and forth, back and forth, finally getting to within three feet of the curb, while we wait to drive by them.

Admittedly, we all failed parallel parking on the driver’s exam. I make a good parallel park with my half-ton about 50 per cent of the time, but at least I try.

Then there are the folks who think painted lines are just a concept, and infringe on the spot in front of or behind them. However, they aren’t quite as bad as the ones who straddle white lines in shopping centre parking lots, taking up two spaces, one of which should have been ours.

There are several ways to deal with this particular situation, all of which have been tried and none of which is recommended. We can:

a) Leave a nasty note threatening unspecified dire consequences.

b) Write the word ‘idiot’ on the hood of the offending vehicle with spray paint.

c) Shrink wrap the car.

d) Flip a middle finger at the car and utter an expletive or two, even though the car doesn’t care.

Psychologists say one of the reasons we’re so touchy about parking spaces is that we love our vehicles more than anything except our spouses, children and the family dog. Some would argue our vehicles rank higher than that but we’re afraid to admit it. They’re part of our identity.

We regard parking spaces as an entitlement. When I was a kid, angle parking was the thing on all the main streets. You had to watch out for somebody backing out of a spot into traffic but it was no more dangerous than the way most people pull out of parallel-parking spots, and a lot more efficient and less stressful. We didn’t have nearly the mental health issues we do now.

Maybe it has to do with the general stress of living in crowded conditions. That’s why country folk dread the prospect of having to drive into town for supplies.

Even if we’re justified in our unflattering opinion of another driver, what does it get us? All the new parkades and parking lots in the world won’t inhibit our survival instincts in the asphalt jungle.

Bottom line is that we need to chill out, resist our baser tendencies, and look for another spot.

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Editor’s Note: This opinion piece reflects the views of its author, and does not necessarily represent the views of CFJC Today or the Jim Pattison Broadcast Group.