By Armchair Mayor

ROTHENBURGER: Frootloops council tackles crisis of snowless Christmas

Dec 22, 2018 | 7:05 AM

THERE IS NO JOY in Frootloops.

With only a few days to go before Christmas, the council gathers to deal with a crisis — no snow. As the newbies mill around trying to find their chairs, Mayor Ken Christmas calls the meeting to order.

CHRISTMAS: Let’s all take our seats, please. Coun. Mike O’Rookie, you’re on the end. Coun. Bill Surprise, you’re on the other side. Let’s all stand for the reading.

MARIA POINSETTIA, Frootloops Reader of the Readings: Your Merriment, today’s reading is from the great philosopher, Arlo Guthrie: “Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” Thus ends the reading.

CHRISTMAS: Thank you, Miss Poinsettia, inspiring as always. Everyone please remain standing for the singing of our anthem, “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

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POINSETTIA: Sorry, Your Frootcake, we’re not allowed to sing that one anymore because the weather is too warm. We’ve replaced it with “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow.”

CHRISTMAS: Speaking of which, council, we’re postponing discussion on the 673 cannabis dispensary applications in the queue, and will be talking about the reason for today’s emergency meeting, which is the fact there’s no snow. We’re not sure if it’s been stolen — it could be the Grinch, or the provincial government looking for more ways to make our lives miserable. Either way, Frootopians are revolting. Okay, they’re always revolting, but I mean this time they’re in revolt. They paid for new snow removal equipment and they want snow. Fortunately, our staff has a report and a recommendation. Mr. Tannenbaum, our main guy, will fill us in.

DAVE TANNENBAUM, Main Guy: Yes, Your Candycane, we recommend the immediate purchase of a fleet of humongous snow-making machines. Our staff recently attended a snowmaking conference in Playa del Carmen and came back with some excellent ideas. These new machines can cover the town with snow in nothing flat. We’d start with the culs de sac in Aberdeen and work our way downtown. And if there’s any time after that, maybe we’d do the Frootlands on the other side of the bridge. I hear there’s an entire village over there.

COUN. DENIS WONDERLAND: Your Chestnut, just a question if I may. How much will it cost and who will run the machines?

TANNENBAUM: Your Mistletoe, through to Coun. Wonderland, it’ll cost about a gazillion dollars but we can take it out of reserves as usual. We’ll also need a few hundred thousand to hire a bunch of new staff. After we do a study, of course, which will cost us $100,000.

COUN. MIKE O’ROOKIE: Supplemental, Your Baublehead —.

CHRISTMAS: Supplemental!

O’ROOKIE: What will these new employees do when they’re not making snow?

TANNENBAUM: I’ll defer to Mr. Pinecone on that one.

JEFF PINECONE, Director of Facilities and Other Stuff: Yes, Your Yuletide, through to Coun. O’Rookie, there’ll be plenty of work for them to do removing the snow after they’ve made it. The snow will then be dumped in the new nature park so we can play snow golf. Of course, the money for that –

CHRISTMAS: Can come from reserves. I think we get the picture.

COUN. BILL SURPRISE: Can we charge for overnight parking?

CHRISTMAS: That’s not on the agenda. You’re only allowed to ask questions about the business of the meeting. Carry on, Mr. Tannenbaum.

TANNENBAUM: Byron McCorkscrew, our Director of Community and Infective Services, has even more good news.

McCORKSCREW: Indeed, we’ve been having a conversation about opportunities. It appears for just a little more money, we can get a special attachment for the snowmaking machines that’ll put huge windrows in people’s driveways. We want to make sure our seniors don’t feel neglected. The money could come from –.

COUN. KATHY SLEIGHBELLS (checking her new frootPhone X Plus): Point of order, or something, Your Eggnog. This just in. Former councillor Donovan Who is filing a notice of motion on Twitter demanding that any vote on snow be done under the proportional incomprehension system. He doesn’t want his vote to be wasted, even though he doesn’t have one. His tweet has the hashtag #fuddleduddle and a photo of a giant middle digit.

CHRISTMAS: His motion is out of order. His finger is out of order. His entire self is out of order. Any other discussion?

COUN. SADIE HOLIDAY: Your Rednose, I’d like to move an amendment.

COUN. DALE BOWS: I second the amendment, and that’s all I have to say about that.

CHRISTMAS: We don’t know what the amendment is yet; in fact we don’t even have a motion.

COUN. DIETER DASHER: Your Tinseltown, I will move first reading.

CHRISTMAS: We’ve already had the reading.

COUN. HOLIDAY: Your Nutcracker, my amendment was –.

CHRISTMAS: Supplemental!

COUN. ARJUN SNOWFLAKE: If I could jump in, Your Leftovers, I’ve been listening very carefully, because that’s what I do best, and I’d like to suggest an awesome way of going about this that will offend absolutely no one. It’s going to be absolutely awesome. The most awesome idea ever. My awesome idea is, how about we all go hide out in Coun. O’Rookie’s coffee shop with some eggnog lattes and hope it snows before we have to decide?

CHRISTMAS: Any discussion seeing none I’ll call the question all in favour those opposed that is carried. Merry Christmas, everyone! (Was it OK for me to say that?)

Mel Blitzenburger wishes everyone a Merry Christmas, whether it be white, green or brown.