Lack of healthy boundaries hurts us all

KAMLOOPS — A few days ago, I read about a teacher in the Chilcotin being suspended for one week and being sent to a course on how to create a positive environment in the classroom. The points on which she was being disciplined had to do with her allegedly abusive behaviour. My sons are school-age; my youngest is still homeschooled but also meeting once a week with a group of homeschoolers under the care of a teacher, while his brother, my eldest is in a public high school.

I have always been of the opinion that children have to be treated with respect, period. That does not mean always allowing them to do what they want. It means simply that; respect. Listening to them, caring for their needs, hearing them when they have concerns, which among others means hearing them when they say we are doing the exact things we tell them not to do. As much as we want to impose the view that children must listen to us, no matter what, truth is they will learn best from our behaviour.

The teacher in question, while I do not know anything more about her but what I read from that report, has been described as an angry person with little control over her actions. I would not, by any means, allow my children to be in the presence of someone who will abuse them. That being said, I am a parent and though I love my children to the moon and back (not because of that lanky adorable bunny parent figure from the ‘Guess how much I love you’ kids book,) I know that I sometimes got so very upset with them and anyone looking from the outside would have likely judged harshly.

Many readers opinionated that she should be criminally charged and made to pay for how she treats those children. A reccurring issue deserves close observing, and more so when there are people involved. A question begs to be asked though, not just in the case of this teacher, but other teachers, educators and people who get to deal with our children, is this: are our children behaving respectfully and recognizing boundaries when they are being enforced?

More than once, my children had opinions about adult people they encountered. Some inspired them, others make them wonder why adults behave in ways they should not. They know they can express how they feel, but they have to do it in a way that is in accordance with the rules in place. As in, if they are in school, they have to listen to their teacher.

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If the teacher is asking children to do something within the boundaries of school-related activities, they have to oblige, respectfully. If the teacher is asking them to do something that is degrading or inappropriate, they have to speak up; to the teacher, to the parents, and from there the matter has to be attended to by responsible adults. Objectivity has to be there, as biased opinions do little (or nothing, or, worse, they damage) the chance of a healthy dialogue and acceptable outcome being reached.

Most of us know that children often (and increasingly more) choose to snub their teachers, the underlying message being ‘you can’t tell me what to do.’ Some teachers I talked to or heard from through other people say that while students’ attitude is difficult, the reactions they get from many parents who feel their kids are being mistreated is what they fear the most and would rather avoid. In other words, there is little or no leverage if you are a teacher. That is not right for many reasons. Firstly, because we are doing our children a disservice when we choose to be on their side no matter what, blinded by the fact that they are ‘my kid.’ I grew up knowing that I could be told not to do something by other adults than my parents. My neighbours and teachers could act as educators and my parents could also discipline other people’s kids if they happened to misbehave while they were visiting.

But people can abuse that power. For sure they can. Objective assessments of each situation can help us guide our children towards learning what is abusive or inappropriate and what is not. There is a no-vaping rule in schools for example, yet many choose to break it all the time. There is a no-playing-video-games-during-class rule, but students break it and the consequences are missing. They become adept at lying and pretending, our children do, and that is never a skill that ought to be celebrated.

We have all heard the ‘you’re mean’ from our children when we do something they do not like or do not agree with. And that is the very thing: they can disagree, they can ask why, but they cannot simply complain and throw a ‘you’re mean’ someone’s way and play the victim. Moreover, if all adults who tell them that they are not allowed to do certain things get qualified as mean, unfair, abusive, how are we to make them learn the true meaning of those notions. There is no one brush to paint over everything and expect various shades appearing.

A recent dialogue with a soon-to-be teacher spoke of that. The person in this case is second-guessing the professional choice because of how the educational landscape in school is evolving. That is not right. It should makes us all think. What do we ultimately want for our children while in school? To learn. Not just school stuff, but more. We want them to learn about other values and at the same time we want them to learn to stand up for themselves if need be; complementing hopefully what we teach them at home.

There will be teachers who will leave a lifelong positive imprint on our children, while others they will remember as the opposite. As it happens. Unless we guide them, with objectivity, towards learning how to make the distinction between the two, which means among other taking responsibility for their own actions, good and bad. Learning and growing into the people we want them to see grow up to be cannot happen without that.