A candid conversation with none other than Joe Troll

Armchair Mayor
By Mel Rothenburger
April 14, 2018 - 5:00am

HEY, if it isn’t Joe Troll. Good morning, Joe!

JOE TROLL: You’re an idiot!

Great day, isn’t it?

JOE TROLL: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Do your $%^&^&@ research!

Joe, you seem to have a lot of pent-up hostility.

JOE TROLL: I am not hostile! I just happen to know that anyone with an opinion that’s different than mine is a complete moron and should be banned from social media.

How can you be angry on a day like this? Look at that beautiful blue sky.

JOE TROLL: You must be off your meds. That sky isn’t blue. Can’t you see those thunder clouds rolling in? Are you blind?

Well, I do admit we’ve got a few things that we need to work on.

JOE TROLL: There you go again! You’re nothing but a complainer. Why don’t you crawl back under your rock and stay there?

Gosh, Joe, I thought freedom of speech was something we treasured in this country. Exchanging opinions and ideas, and all that.

JOE TROLL: Did you get your university degree in Stupid? What we need in this country is more guns and fewer immigrants.

Easy, Joe, you’re getting a bit red in the face.

JOE TROLL: See? You’re a racist, aren’t you? I knew it.

Er, no, I was just saying….

JOE TROLL: Just saying, my ass!

Well, sure, I do like weighing in on issues. Talking about important topics is a good thing to do, right?

JOE TROLL: You’re part of this whole corrupt, politically correct system! The politicians are taking money right out of our pockets and going on fancy vacations. And all of this stuff about plastic bags is just BS.

How did we get onto the topic of plastic bags?

JOE TROLL: Because whatever we were talking about was starting to bore me, so I like to wander off into my own subject matter whenever it suits me. Besides, I have a short attention span. Which reminds me, how do you live with yourself?

Maybe you’re right, Joe. Maybe I could be more like you. Can you teach me?

JOE TROLL: Certain things can’t be taught, son. They’re a gift.

Aw, c’mon. Just a tip or two. What’s your secret?

JOE TROLL: Not that it’s any of your moronic business, but it’s all about persistence. You just go in there and keep at it until everybody else gives up.

That’s it?

JOE TROLL: Of course not, you gormless lump of goose manure. This is a science. You have to know how to make a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes, for example. And not know much about the subject matter — sounding intelligent can really screw things up. If you say something smart, somebody just might agree with you, which would wreck all the fun. So I never read past the headlines.

If I wanted to be like you, what would you recommend?

JOE TROLL: Go for the throat. Start with some name-calling. Insult their intelligence. Tell them they should be locked up. You gotta get abusive, man!

Couldn’t that be seen as harassment, Joe?

JOE TROLL: Harassment? You hit back; you say the poor slob just can’t take a joke, or can’t admit the truth. Better yet, turn it around and accuse them of harassment. Or change the subject. If they’re young, insult young people. If they’re old, insult old people. If they’re tall, insult tall people. If they’re short… well, you get the picture!

Joe, you’re an ignorant, dull-witted, imbecilic, obtuse jackass. I’ll bet you have a dead-end job, or are a rich fat cat, or are bald-headed or have too much hair and live on the wrong side of the tracks or in Snoot Heights. You’re a waste of oxygen and I refuse to listen to you!

JOE TROLL: OMG, well done, my boy! Maybe there’s hope for you after all!

Gosh, thanks, Joe. Well, I best be getting along. All my best to Mrs. Troll.

JOE TROLL: I knew damn well you were sexist! And never thank anyone!

Sorry, I won’t do it again, I promise.

JOE TROLL: Sweet mother in heaven, have you learned nothing? Never apologize. Never admit you were wrong. Never see the other person’s side of things. Go home and practice!

I’ll do my best. See you around, you brainless dimwit!

JOE TROLL: Catch you in the Comments, you useless bumwad!

What a guy!

(Editor's Note: The Joe Troll in this column is fictional and doesn’t refer to anyone of that name living or dead.)