Americans already unbearable over royal coup

Armchair Mayor
By Mel Rothenburger
November 30, 2017 - 5:00am Updated: November 30, 2017 - 11:28am

KAMLOOPS — Finally, some good news for our friends south of the border.

All week long, the American networks and newspapers have been crowing about the fact a U.S. citizen has become engaged to Prince Harry.

Yes, indeed, he’ll tie the knot with Suits actress Meghan Markle.

“American Princess!” trumpeted the New York Post, ignoring the fact she’ll never officially be a princess. “Ring the Belle!” exclaimed the Philadelphia Daily News. The London tabloids gleefully concurred, with all-cap front-page headlines of their own like “The Look of Love” and “It’s on!”

America has long been fascinated with royalty, and now that they’ll be getting in on it, you can be sure it won’t be long before the American media have claimed ownership of the entire monarchy, with Ms. Markle the focus of all their attention.

Poor Prince Harry will be relegated to the status of bystander. Prince William and Kate? Never heard of them.

I’ve always been a supporter of the monarchy. It’s like cake for the masses, an endless source of entertainment, and something that sets us apart from all those republics. After all, if Sir John A. had had his way, we’d have called ourselves the Kingdom of Canada — the only reason we didn’t is because we were worried it would make the Americans mad.

If I’m sounding a little jealous, I confess it would have been nice if Harry could have kept it in the family and hitched up with some nice Canadian girl, though Ms. Markle at least wears a coat by a Canadian designer.

We should all be happy for our American cousins, though. They’ve been having a rough go. Their cities are crumbling, they’ve polluted their environment, they’re killing each other off at a truly amazing rate, they’re disparaged around the world, and they have the worst leader in the history of personkind.

So, despite the fact their media are already unbearably self-satisfied over landing a spot in the palace, we have to grudgingly offer them a hearty pip pip, cheerio and all that rot.

I’m Mel Rothenburger, the Armchair Mayor.