Frootloops city council makes up its Christmas wish list

Armchair Mayor
By Mel Rothenburger
December 24, 2016 - 5:00am

KAMLOOPS — IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, and the Frootloops Council is holding its AGM in the former Kamloops Daily Snooze building — they have to use it for something, after all — to tidy up some important last-minute business before heading out for the holiday. His Plentiousness Mayor Kris Mistletoe, resplendent in his amazing Technicolor Christmas coat, peeks his head in the door.

MAYOR MISTLETOE: Is it OK to come in yet?

COUN. TINA TINSEL: Come on in, Your Snowflake, we’re finished talking about the Acme project for now.

COUN. MARG POINSETTIA: We’ve decided to put off making a decision until we receive an independent study of the assessment on the review of the report on the analysis, then appraise the evaluation of the survey of the investigation. By then the whole thing should be over and we won’t have to get involved.

MISTLETOE: Not that I’m in any kind of conflict; just wanted to make sure we’re being transparent. I’m all about transparency and things like that. Lately, I’ve been feeling an urge to promise everybody anything they want, and since I plan to take off soon for the Big Smoke, the Big Step Up, the North Pole, the Bigs, and leave you all in the dust, you may as well tell me what you want for Christmas.

COUN. DENIS WISHLIST: I’ve been making my list and checking it twice, Your Chestnut. Actually, I have five things on my list. I like to call them my “Five Christmas Conditions.” First of all, I’d really like one of those drones that flies around with a camera giving world-class oversight and enforcement.

MISTLETOE: You can’t have that. You haven’t been very nice this year.

COUN. WISHLIST: How about financial compensation reflective of my wishes and aspirations?

MISTLETOE: You can’t have that either. If we agreed to your list, we’d have to agree to everything. And things like that.

COUN. WISHLIST: What about my idea for backyard chickens behind marijuana dispensaries? The slogan would be, “Pot in every chicken.”

COUN. KEN CRANBERRIES: After a great deal of careful consideration, Your Nutcracker, I’ve decided I want only one thing under my tree. Your job.

COUN. DIETER DICKENS: Me, too, Your Mincemeat, but not at this time. That is to say, I might want it later, but I wouldn’t want to make a decision until I receive input from Frootopians on their preferences.

COUN. ARJUN SHORTBREAD: Your Yuletide, we need to get on with it and make a decision on how we’re going to pick your replacement. I really think the first-past-the-parcel-post system isn’t fair. We need a system in which anybody who wants to, can be mayor for 15 minutes. I call it proportional obfuscation.

COUN. PAT WASSAIL: Your Humbug, all I want for Christmas is a two-per-cent budget increase.

COUN. DONOVAN EVERGREEN: I’m hoping for a shiny new bicycle, Your Scroogeness. Or maybe I could just catch a ride with someone.

COUN. WISHLIST: Could I at least have a formal review and permitting process, suitable for framing?

MISTLETOE: No. Anyone else?

COUN. SHORTBREAD: Your Stocking Stuffer, I just want all Frootopians to be happy. They’re growing restless about the fact we still haven’t figured out what to do with this useless old building and the old Ply Wood school.  What’s the plan?

MISTLETOE: Who said anything about a plan, or things like that? We’re really just winging it here. Obviously we aren’t getting anywhere with this Christmas list, so I’m going to ask Mr. Tannenbaum for some direction.

DAVE TANNENBAUM (Chief Administrative Frootopian): Your Merriment, I’d recommend you table the matter with a motion to postpone the referral of the rescinding motion and lay it on the table.

MISTLETOE: Now that’s my kind of vision — we’ll wait for the science, and things like that. We’re adjourned.

COUN. WISHLIST: Could I have an all-expenses paid trip to a grocery store that doesn’t have a VQA section, Your Eggnog?

MISTLE TOE: Adjourned!